Sunday, January 29, 2006

Stuff everyone should know about strip clubs

Original blog from my myspace
Let me start off by saying that I support college dance majors. Also, if you think stripping is dirty or morally corrupt (or that I'm a "bad" person for writing about stripping) then good for you, enjoy yourself but why you are reading a something titled "stuff everyone should know about strip clubs". If you love stripping or watching strippers then good for you. Bravo!

Okay, let's start with a few things guys really need to know about a strip club:

5. You are not really in love with the stripper. Even if you declare it in front of all of your friends a thousand and one times, you are not really in love with the stripper. I don't care what T-Pain says... You are not in love with a stripper.

4. Strippers ARE excited by the bulge in your pants. Dude! Here's the biggest secret you need to know about strip clubs. It is THEE best kept secret in the industry that THEY don't want you to know. Just by telling you this, I am putting my life on the line here. But this secret is so damned important that I just can't be silent any more. Here it is: The girls get paid to dance! Yes, you read that correctly. The girls get paid to dance! In places where the signs say that girls get paid only tips... Yes, the girls get paid only tips. Can you believe it? So, here's the deal with this whole whacky concept about girls getting paid to dance. Just like everyone else on the face of this planet, the girls want to get paid M-O-N-E-Y. Yes, money is what they are working for. They are at work, and the object of work is to get money. They are not there to find hot studly guys such as yourself. I knew majoring in economics would benefit me somehow in life.

3. If a stripper is at a strip club, she's working. I know. I know. Everyone has met the golden hearted stripper who had the "night off" and decided to hang out with her friends at work who didnt have the night off. I know exactly how they feel. Just last month, I decided that I wanted to take some time off for the holidays, so I went into work and helped my warehouse ship a bunch of packages. YEAH! It was good times! The purpose of a stripper having a "night off" but still going into the club is to get guys to hang out with them during their "night off" and pay their friends extra tips. I know you might be thinking that it was your boyish good looks and charming personality that got you sitting at the tables spending $100 every dance, but I'm sorry to be the one to break this to you. It is a workplace. Sorry.

2. Strippers are not pieces of trash. Now, I know you might be thinking, "Wait! You just told me all this evil stuff about how they are only after my money and that they are actually working on their nights off!" Indeed, strippers would like your money and don't have "nights off", but this does not make them the slime on an ameba's ass. Take it easy, Jack the Ripper. If you have a problem and think that all strippers are whores by virtue of their workplace then you need professional help. Open your yellow pages and find a shrink who can help you with your problems with your mommy. When it boils down to it, you don't know $hit about the stripper. Is she the golden hearted, single mother who teaches history at a public elementary school in the projects? Or is she a crack whore who needed some extra money to purchase a new pipe? Does it really make any difference? You are there for T&A, right? And you now realize that she is not there to pick you up, right? So, sit back. Relax. Throw down some money, and enjoy the damn show!

1. You are not the stripper's boyfriend. Just because she invites you on her "night off" (reread item 3) does not mean you two are dating. The 3-4 happy endings she gave you when you paid her to for a massage don't count towards you being her boyfriend either. Yes, I will say it again... You are not the stripper's boyfriend.

Just like any workplace, there are some good strippers and some bad. You might even be surprised with who is actually a stripper. For all you know, your sister might even be one. Either way, help support college dance majors and visit your local strip club.