Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Damned Machine (continued)

Here's the update on my long departed pistachios. Someone is clearly looking out after me

So I stroll into work today around 4:30PM after a long day of sailing, and I'm thinking I've got circulation for the next catalog to get done. It was going to be another long night. Certainly, it was indeed a long night, but at least I got my second pack of pistachios. How's this for a long lost brother story?

I sit down at my desk and start talking with two of my employees about how I was at the office until 8:30 on Monday night. I told them the story about my vending machine incident and how I got robbed of the blessed pistachios. They look at each other and say, "Pistachios!" Turns out that the security guard was trying to get the pistachios out of the machine by using some sort of martial art technique known as "beating ths snot out of a machine". He wasn't having any luck when my two boys walked into the breakroom.

They saw the pistachios just hanging there and decided to order an item from one of the slots above the pistachios (good thing the people that work for me are smarter than me, cuz I'd be screwed otherwise). They ordered the other item from the vending machine and score both goodies. For some reason that only the pistachio gods know, they didn't eat the pistachios. Me and my long departed pistachios were reunited this evening at approximately 5PM. I'm not sure I want to eat them. They have so much sentimental value

Monday, February 20, 2006

Damned Machine!

I'm sitting at work tonight working on an ad that's running in some Chinese trade publication when I suddenly get the urge to go get a snack from the vending machine downstairs. Mind you, it's seven 'o friggin clock, and I'm sitting at work. There are only so many times that I can IM someone halfway on the other side of the planet and think, "Wow! Isn't cool that I can communicate so conveniently with someone so far away. I wonder if it really is the person I'm supposed to be talking too. Oh, wait! Rude. Obnoxious. Yes, that must be my boss :-)"

BTW, China doesn't exactly have the best internet infrastructure. So, while my Art Director and I are sitting there waiting for the hi-res PDF to send over, I figure I'll go do the vending machine thing. I slide in the bill and get some wholesome Mother's Cookies. Honestly, if my mom made this crap, I don't think I'd ever want to eat sweets again.

Anyway, I start eyeballing the pistachios. Let's just say that I'm a HUGE pistachio fan. I could very easily eat the half ton of pistachios necessary to poison me! I drop another couple coins in the machine and press the buttons for the pistachios. The metal thing starts to turn and the pistachios are just about to drop... But wait! NO! Damn bag gets trapped on the edge of the metal. SHAKE, BANG, CURSING! Nothing. Oh, well, I'll go get another 65 friggin cents to get another bag. After all, I love pistachios.

I go back upstairs and a coworker gives me 65 cents to get the second bag. I gleefully bounce downstairs to get not one, but TWO bags of pistachios. I place the money inside the machine. The first bag drops. Here comes the second bag... Can you guess what happened next?

Damned Machine!!!

Monday, February 06, 2006

Stuff I've learned while getting older

Origional blog from my myspace

At the age of 13, I didn't even want to contemplate the thought of being 30 years old. Now, it's right around the corner and just another day of the year. There are so many things I've learned in life so far. Here are but a few:


Don't stick your finger into a light socket. Now, this might be obvious to many of you. When I was 4 years old, this was not very obvious to me. I did it more than once.

Stick up for your family. This doesn't mean that you have to love them (of course, you really do). It just means that you can't let anyone else make fun of your brother or sister the same way you make fun of them!


Don't $hit on other people. Sometimes it is very tempting to just have a conversation with someone and vomit all over them about how Shitty everything is in your life or with them. Don't Shit on other people. If they are smart they will use you to wipe themselves off.

There is a difference between doing something that hurts someone knowing that it's going to hurt them and doing it just to hurt them. If you have some sick disturbance in your brain where you get off on hurting people just for the sake of hurting people, you will make a great case study in sociopathic behavior. You might just be able to make some money off of it if you play your cards right. See, even phuckheads have a place in life.


Don't sweat the small stuff. It's all small stuff. This is actually a book, so I need to give credit where credit is due. It's written by Richard Carlson Good book for all of you who think your first born was just murdered because someone cut you off on the way to work.

The world will keep on turning no matter what anyone does. Despite what some people think about themselves, the world turns on its own axis and orbits the sun. Nothing is going to stop the earth from doings her job for the next several billion years. And let's just face it... if something does stop the earth from doing what it's doing right now, we're all just f*d so don't worry about it.


If you meet a girl who keeps talking about how she doesn't understand why she keeps meeting assholes and guys that treat her like $hit and then you start dating her... Yes, this means that you are an asshole. See, the common denominator in all those asshole relationships is HER. She's an asshole magnet. This doesn't make her a bad person. This just means that she is attracted to AND attracts assholes. Therefore, if you start dating someone like this, it means that you are none other than an asshole. On the other hand, if she recognizes that there was something in the way she was being that was bringing forth the assholes, she will recognize it and remove assholes from her life. Statements along the lines of, "I just don’t understand why I keep meeting asshole. I don't think I can handle another one", never happen. And don't think you are the nice guy who is going to be her savior. She'll just wipe her ass with you and flush you down the toilet. She needs to fix her asshole problem by herself, not with you, Mr. Preparation-H.


Enjoy life! If you don't play to win, you are just a loser.