Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I screwed up again

Original blog on my myspace

I have a knack for doing stupid things

I am gifted when it comes to hurting others

Not gifted as though I belong in a higher level of education

Rather gifted as though I belong on a short yellow bus

For instance, there have been some incredible women in my life

Not just in romance, but friendship as well

Most recently I was blessed with an extraordinary woman

Someone who was open, vulnerable, caring, compassionate, understanding, graceful...

Aw, hell the list of compliments could fill up 10-15 pages

She was much like todays (7/5/6) word of the day: apotheosis

Not the deification or exalted part of the definition

But certainly the definition along the lines of being a model of excellence of a kind

I dont want it to come across as though she was a Barbie doll

It wasnt like that one bit, not at all

In fact, thats what made her so gawd damn awesome!

And what do I do as our relationship is starting to blossom?

(yes, I had to throw in at least one rhyming bit)

Yep, thats right, I f*cked it up right from the get go

When someone opens up and makes herself vulnerable

Would I appreciate her giving nature and not take her for granted?

Would I cherish her and treat her with honor and respect?

Of course not!

Instead, I chose to be a selfish jackass

And I must admit that that is an understatement

And why would I make such a choice?

Cuz Im a dumbass, is pretty much what Ive come up with

Ill get scared in a relationship

And Ill lose sight of who I say I am committed to being in life

Then end up causing someone else pain because of my cowardliness and negligence

Im so worried about any judgment that someone else might pass on me

So worried that I cant even be myself

And in doing so, I rob people of having a true experience of me

Even though (especially with this woman) they are not judgmental at all

Its like Im so ashamed of how Ive f*cked up in the past

That I just cant be straight with myself and others

And it always gets me to the same point

I just keep f*cking things up so I can continue to feel ashamed of being an ass

So, its time to ameliorate my life in the area of relationships

As a side note, ameliorate was the word of the day on July 16, 1999

Im not quite sure exactly what its going to take

But like everything else in life, Ive got connections

Some people have connections for whacking people

Others have political connections

Still others have business connections

Me? Well, Ive got connections for helping people

And it happens to be time to put some of those connections to good use on myself

After all Im not interested in causing a mess of my relationships anymore

Im not interested in hurting people that I think are dignified and deserving of my respect

So, Ill be taking a very cool journey of discovery

If you made it to this part and you are confused

I must admit that I am impressed that you made it this far

This was really just for one person and you know who you are

And I'm sorry for taking your trust and making it bruised

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