Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Hybrid Toilet Paper Folding Method

Ladies and Gentlemen! You are about to learn the greatest secret in toilet paper technology. But before I share this incredible secret with you, let's take a stroll down the evolutionary chain of toilet paper.

Prior to our emergence from the primordial soup, our method of wiping was rather crude. Since we had no arms (and really no legs for that matter), we merely defecated in to the water in which we were swimming. Soon, we grew legs and emerged from the primordial soup, ready to drop excrement while walking through the plush rain forests of the earth. As the lush rain forests of Panacea Africa began to dry out, we started to take bipedal form, allowing us to expunge our systems without dragging our tail through the feculence.

This new bipedal setup for us allowed us the use of our forward paws on the rear section of our bodies (a delight non-bipedal animals do not have the faculties to enjoy). It wasn't long after our first few bipedal steps that we began to utilize large leaves to dispose of extra mung that clings from our orbicularis eruptions.

Over the thousands of years of evolution, one invention has stood the test of time: toilet paper. From these early days of large leaves to the days of using news paper to the modern quilted two-ply paper, human ingenuity has set us apart from the folks in the sea who are constantly swimming in their own mire. And much like many other aspects of human culture, the technique of toilet paper usage is strictly divided into a duality: wadders and folders.

Wadders have it that absorption of the solid gastric waste is best managed by wadding or scrunching the pieces of toilet paper together in such a manner that does not allow for moisture to leak through the many layers of paper. Folders have it that the wads can easily become disorganized in such a manner that would leave one with a severe digital problem.

It is clear that both wadder and folder camps have valid points of contention. Alas, the debate is over! The best kept secret is yours (a secret kept by Shaolin monks for millennia). You are about to learn of a secret so powerful that many people had to die in order for you to read what you are about to read...

Wad two to three sheets of the paper to start (whatever method works best for you). Then continue using the folding method that you are most familiar with.

This hybrid method will take time for you to master. If you are a folder, the wadding may take 4-5 weeks before you become an efficient three sheet wadder. If you are a wadder, the orderliness of folding and the altered texture of the fold may take a while for you to fully adjust to. Enjoy this secret that so many have died for you to have available at last.

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